Mommy wow! I'm a "big girl" now.

My family is so weird.

I know that all of you think that your family is weird and embarrassing, but mines takes the cake. Really. While showering, I thought of over a dozen embarrassing (now hilarious) stories, that might also be the reason I need therapy. Check it out.

"Big Girl"
In most cultures, a girl "becomes" a woman when she begins menstruating. Usually, there's a 'talk' and an embarrassing trip to the store, and bham, it's all done. It's never bought up again, unless to reiterate a point during the 'sex talk'. I never got a talk about menstruation or sex, because it is assumed that as a brown girl, I will remain celibate till marriage, and by that point I would "pick up on these things from movies". In our culture, it's an entirely different game.

Let's summarize: you get your period. Your mother screams and cries from joy? shock? happiness? (I really have no clue.) They shove you in to your room for SEVEN days, in which no males other than immediate family can see you. They then make you drink all sorts of randomness to make you stronger? healthier? more fertile? (Again, I have no clue.) And then, THEY THROW A PARTY. A party in which they tell all of your family and friends that you are now a "big girl". If you're brown, and you haven't heard the phrase "big girl" in regard to your menstrual cycle, I envy you. 

Imagine having to explain the reason for this sudden party to the cute sons of your parent's friends.
Me: "Uh, yeah, it's my half-birthday." 
Cute Guy: "It's November and your birthday's in two months. That doesn't make sense."
Me: "Oh look, cake!" *Runs away!*

This entire episode is bad enough, but mine's was worse. I was always an over-achiever in this department.

My "big girl" moment happened to fall during an important project in middle school. You know, middle school, that time where life is hard enough as it is, and being a "chubby" brown girl doesn't let you fit in AT ALL. My parents, being brown, and wanting me to get all A's so I can be a 'doctor' (scoff, they must be proud huh), said that they would go and drop off my project for me. In hindsight, I should have SEEN it coming. My mother couldn't be prouder that I was a "big girl" as if I'd actually done something. So when they went to go drop it off, a friend of mine happened to see my mom and asked her where I was, and my mother thought it would be appropriate to respond:

"Oh, she's a big girl now! She got her period, and she's at home because she can't see boys, but we're having a party to celebrate this Saturday. You should come!"

This moment, right there ladies and gentleman, was the death of my already dying popularity. How many of you can pinpoint that moment in your life? I'm special, I tell you.

I, of course, denied the entire thing. But it was never the same after that...

"Apple Pie"
A conversation I overheard between my mom and an aunt. 

Aunt: Shahnaz got an iPad right? How is it?
Mom: Oh, it's great. I play Bingo on it all the time. 
Aunt: Where'd she get it?
Mom: The Apple Pie store.
Aunt: I should stop by there tomorrow and get one. 

"Waterrrrrr"
My mother called me up once, laughing so hard that she could barely breathe. I was at work and had to leave my cubicle because her laughter could be heard two cubicles over. Yes, our office is super quiet, but my mother was also very loud. 

Me: Mom, are you ok?
Mom: *Gasp. Laugh. Gasp some more. Laugh louder.* 
Me: Mom, I'm at work. What's up?
Mom: *Still laughing.* I'll have to call you back once I catch my breath.
Me: You're ok right?
Mom: Yeah! We're fine. *Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. Click.*

My mother called me again half an hour later to relay what was so funny. My parents, at one point, lived in the heart of Baltimore City. They had a studio apartment over a shop on Saratoga St. which they loved. Many evenings you could find my mother hanging over the window, waiting for my father to come home from work. They were a cute couple.

That particular day, my father parked his car, looked up at my mother and said, "Throw down some water." My dad's friends with the shop owner below and usually spends some time having a chat before he comes up. So my mother replied, "Why do you want water? Chuck* has bottles in the shop."

With a confused look on his face, my father said, "No, throw down some water!" Shrugging, my mother threw down a water bottle and almost knocked my dad out cold. Seemingly frustrated, "What are you doing?", he yells, "Throw down water!!!!!" 

At this point my mother is confused and irritated and yells out "I don't know what you want. Go away." and proceeds to close the window. Now, completely red and irritated himself, my father starts beating the parking meter and yelling,"Water! Water! Water!" 

She still couldn't stop laughing as she said, "Turns out he wanted quarters!"