All Roads Lead To You

There's this hole now. I'm not sure if it was there before or not, but I can no longer ignore the blatantly obvious. There's a hole, and with each passing moment, it's getting bigger and bigger.

Each time I try make it smaller, it seems to get out of control. And I feel like you don't even know it's happening. You tell me that you feel a change, but you don't do anything to make it better.

One day, I will crack. I will scream, yell, and cry. It will come to a point that it can no longer be fixed, and you will just sit there and wonder how it got that far. Maybe it will hurt. Maybe you already see it coming. Maybe you're looking forward to it. I can't feel what you feel anymore.

Maybe this is all in my head and I'm just rambling. Maybe I'll wake up one day and feel... anything, and it will all go back to how it was.

It's a dangerous path I'm on, and no matter how it plays out in my head, all I see is destruction.

Being Bald, Suicidal, and maybe an Internet Stalker

So it's one in the morning and here I am writing a blog post. I WAS dancing around my room in the dark, but I didn't need Zak waking up and wondering why he married me. Come to think of it, he probably wonders that anyway. 

So Bangladesh is most definitely happening; we'll probably head out at the end of the month. I'm super excited - a mini vacation will do us some good. Bangladesh is kind of boring and there isn't much to do, but we'll probably be busy since everyone and their mothers will invite us over fur lunch/dinner. That's one of the perks of being brown - everyone wants to invite you to eat yummy food when you visit the mother land. Or father land, in this case. 

I'm going bald. I've been getting random hair treatments for as long as I can remember. When I'm bored, I perm it into a curly frenzy, and then months later I'll chemically straighten that bitch. Blow dry and mousse up them curls? Ain't nobody got time fo dat. So all the chemicals going directly on to my scalp is making me bald. I'll need wigs by the time I'm 30. Yes, wigs: who's going to not go crazy with a billion different wigs if they were bald? Currently, I'm at Asian Girl Straight. Soon, I'll be Buddhist Monk Bald. 

Nothing is the same. I'm not the same. I thought I was pregnant last week. Even though the at-home tests came out negative, I was sure I was one of those people who had negative urine tests. A blood test confirmed that I was not. I had a day of mourning where I snapped at everyone and cried for the most random things. I'm back to 'normal' now. Stupid uterus, I hate you. 

How does a brown person fix a burned pie? They add masala to it! Hahahahaaha. I can't stop giggling at that. Maybe it's my lack of sleep combined with the billion Advil PMs I took. 

Today, I learned that Sri Lanka has one of the highest suicide rates in the world, with an average twelve people offing themselves each day. How fucked up is that? I don't get how people see suicide as a way out. It's a coward's way out. I admit to cutting myself and being suicidal in high school, but doesn't everyone go through that "fuck it all - my life sucks and I want to die" phase growing up? I'm just glad that none of my stupid attempts went too far. Anyway, it's kind of hard to kill yourself when you can't even keep your eyes open while trying to slit your wrists. Blood spurting all over? No, thank you. 

I have a bestie who I have never met. Is that weird? We've been friends for over ten years now and we met in a chat room, back when chat rooms were cool. She backed me up in an Internet fight I was in. It was a pretty huge fight; caps lock was involved, so you know it was serious. We've been friends ever since. We iMessage and email each other all the time and she knows almost everything going on in my day to day. I think a therapist would have a lot to say about me preferring virtual friendships to real ones. Anyone have any thoughts on this? Is it weird to have bestie e-friends?