Restaurant Reviews – Colombo’s Latest Nom Nom Spots!

Everyone who knows me knows that I eat 50% of my meals outside. I’m such a foodie… I like to try all the latest restaurants and I’m not scared of a little spice.

This last month in particular, I’ve had a BILLION lunch dates, and they were great opportunities to try out some of the restaurants I hadn't been to.

The Manhattan Fish Market – 10/10
As soon as I walked in to this place, I loved it. The entire staff screams out a greeting at you; friendly, smiling, employees get me every time.

Zak and I, who usually never have a hard time ordering, really could not figure out what we wanted because we wanted to try everything! After a few minutes, Zak ordered the Grilled Glory Dory (Rs. 990) and I chose the Shrimp Aglio Olio (Rs. 990), but I substituted it with the creamy sauce. For drinks, I got the Tropical Breeze (Rs. 390) and Zak got the Citrus Mint (Rs. 390) – which we’d heard so much about previously.

Looking around, the décor is pretty simple and straightforward: brick layout, framed photographs, and basic furniture with a couple of sofa seats. The drinks arrived shortly – the Tropical Breeze was super tasty but the Citrus Mint was definitely the star out of the two. Made with some sort of crushed lime and mint slushee, it was amazingly fresh and tasty.

Within a few minutes, we were served the main course. Seriously ya’ll – minutes! The food was fresh off the grill, and I have no clue how they got it out to us so quickly, that also while being semi-packed, but they did… and it was heaven. The creamy sauce in the Shrimp Aglio Olio made my taste buds do the Macarena, and while I devoured a flavor-filled mouthful, I could see Zak digging into his Glory Dory. Glory Dory, indeed.

Presentation wise, mines was pretty straightforward: spaghetti and shrimp tossed in creamy sauce and placed to be demolished! Zak’s dish, which comprised a rather large slab of Dory, white rice, steamed vegetables, and a tiny sauce bowl seemed rather crowded. It took a while for Zak to even realize there was rice under the fish. We both thought that the portions were just perfect; usually we never have space for dessert, but this time we had just a bit of space to share an order of the Tuscan Tiramisu (Rs. 590). A swirl of coffee, cheese, and cocoa – it truly was the perfect ending to a perfect meal.

Our total bill came to Rs. 4,210.00 and we felt like it was totally worth it. For less than USD 40 we both got an amazing seafood meal, delicious drinks, and a mouthwatering desert. That being said, that amount is way too high… in Sri Lanka. I must state that for that amount, brown people can feed a family of six a much larger meal. We’ve gotten so used to eating copious amounts of rice and curry that this would seem like a snack to most. Still… I can see another visit to the Manhattan Fish Market in my near future.

The Chocolate Room – 3/10
Even then, I only rate it a 3 because that Oven Roasted Chicken Sandwich was SUPER TASTY. Well it better have been… it took them 1 ½ hours to make. 90 minutes. 5,400 seconds. I ordered at 1:30 and got my food at 3 – I almost… almost… walked out. Honestly, I didn’t realize how long they had taken till like 2:50… my sis-in-law and I were DEEP in conversation.

My experience couldn’t have gone any worse… We started out with drinks; I ordered the Pinky Lemonade and Shaz got the Ferrero Rocher Shake. After about 15 minutes, I got a yellow drink. Confused, I asked my server if my ‘pinky’ lemonade was supposed to be yellow. Maybe it’s just me, but I prefer my pink lemonade, well, pink. No, it wasn’t supposed to yeller – instead he had made me a Piny Cooler - some concoction involving pineapples. I’m not a picky person, so I said it was ok, sucked it up and drank my pineapple drink. Honestly it tasted like pineapple cordial, which one can buy at any grocery store. Nothing special at all. Shaz’s shake was WAYYY to thick. If you can pick up your milkshake, turn over the glass, and not have anything spill, it is NOT A MILKSHAKE.  It was a frothy excuse for a shake that was so thick, you could choke drinking it.

We couldn’t be bothered with the drinks and went on to the main course – Shaz got the Oven Roasted Chicken Sandwich and I went with the Nachos Grande. I’m a sucker for nachos, and the only nachos that come close to yum in Sri Lanka are the loaded nachos on the menu of Café Che, but I thought ‘what the hell, let’s give them a chance’. Big mistake.

Here I was, expecting “a large platter of tortilla chips covered with roasted chicken, hearty beans, warm cheese, and diced tomatoes, jalapenos, olives, pickled gherkins, and sour cream”. What I got was 15 tortilla chips with a spoon of beans and congealed cheese. Where was my roasted chicken? Where are my jalapenos, people?! Again, the waiter had gotten my order mixed up and put me down for the Nachos Supreme… which is the crap I just described. Never order it.

This time, I couldn’t settle, so I pointed out their mistake expecting quick service. Oh, it was quick alright. He walked into that kitchen and then right back out with a bunch of shredded chicken just put on top. Not wanting to risk sending my food back in, I asked for my jalapenos, olives, and sour cream separately. I got olives and gherkins. I didn’t even want the gherkins.

Shaz’s sandwich was good. I can’t deny them that. Soft, crunchy bread filled with a roasted chicken mixture that was moist and filled with flavor. The sandwich alone is worth another trip to this place… I’ll just go at 1 pm and have dinner there, eventually.

With an additional order of french fries, our bill came to Rs. 2,000 or something. I don’t even remember.

Having stated all of this, I believe that this place runs well when you order their desserts and other chocolate related items. The shake should have been better, but I think the cakes and stuff might be worth a try. Don’t take that statement to heart though, I don’t know if they’ll just start mixing the batter once you place the order.

The Sandwich Factory – 7/10
Is it just me or has the service at Sandwich Factory gone down a bit? I’ve been going to this place since it opened way back when. I love all of the food except the burgers (Rs. 300 – Rs. 700)… there’s just too much masala in them to constitute as a burger but that’s completely my opinion and there’s nothing wrong with them otherwise.

They offer a Sri Lankan version of Taco Bell and I love it… quesadillas, taquitos, soft tacos… all so good.

All of that being stated, anyone notice the quality and service go down as of late? I wasn't in Sri Lanka last year, and I don’t know what happened, but when I went again recently, I wasn’t that happy. The guy behind the counter had his own issues going on and you could see it from the way he snapped at me when I asked if the peppermint shake (Rs. 360) was available. The guy who served the food kind of just threw my taquitos (Rs. 450) on the table and ignored my request for some napkins and ketchup. The taquitos were kind of oily and made me lose my appetite for them… don’t get me wrong, I ate them. But I had to squeeze it with a napkin first… lol. Zak and I shared an ice cream sandwich recently… the cookie was pretty hard, and in general the whole thing was just meh.

I really hope they get it together – it’s one of my fave places to go stuff my face and their menu is completely within anyone’s budget. Plus, it doesn't hurt that the owner is kind of fine.

Brown People Don't Tan

Isn't that a big ass King Coconut?

Hey home skillets!

What have you guys been up to? There isn't much in my world. Other than a day at the beach, it's been rather humdrum at the home-front. 

I've been kind of moody lately. Snapping at people, laying in bed all day watching Big Bang Theory (I bought seasons 1-6 and I don't think I'll stop till the very last episode.) nope, I haven't been much fun at all. I don't think there's one particular thing wrong - I'm just not happy with anything these past few days. It happens every once in a while; I get all moody and annoyed and Zak steers clear till the storm has passed. This time it's taking a lot longer than usual. Raar. I want change but I don't know in exactly what form, so how in the hell can I do something to feel better if I don't know what I want to do. I make sense in my head. Just ignore me and let me rant.

The day at the beach as super fun though. We had the beach to ourselves for the most part and I got to spend the day ocean side. I could stay at the beach forever. I should invest in waterfront property. I didn't get as 'burnt' this time around. Brown people don't tan, we burn. 

Isn't it beautiful, ya'll?

5 Things I Wish 'High School Naz' Knew

Next year will be my ten year high school reunion. I'm so old, y'all. It got me thinking about the person I was in high school compared to who I am today, and lets all take a second to thank the good lord almost none of y'all knew me in high school. Quite honestly, I don't even like the high school me. I was a drama queen, I was arrogant, and sometimes I was just plain ole mean. Don't get me wrong - I wasn't a cold hearted bitch, though I sound like it. I was just very content with my particular group of friends and I hated change, and new people. So here are a couple of things I wish I knew in high school so that I could have been a better person.  

1. Pay attention in class... Or in the very least, go to class. 

I skipped out of 75% of my senior year. I'd completed all the mandatory classes, so it wasn't a big deal, but I wish I'd paid attention to all those electives - I could have learned something new. For example, I might have remembered more than the alphabet from Sign Language. Or, if I'd actually gone to Tech, I might now know how to use some of the tools necessary for my love of crafts. 

2. Be more social! 

I had the same set of friends all four years of high school. I didn't add anyone in to the group and I was happy that way. I wish I'd been a bit more fearless in this area - it might have led to some lifelong friendships. Also, I was rude to people who did try to integrate themselves with my friends. I don't know why, maybe I was insecure. Either way, if I did act like a bitch toward you, I'm sorry! I also wish I'd gone to prom. Meh. 

3. Don't be afraid to love. 

I didn't have a proper relationship in high school, and I blame that completely on being insecure with myself. I'd go out with a guy. We'd be a couple for like a week, and then I'd break up with him. I mean, what was high school relationships? Walking together to class? Dancing at homecoming? A movie? I should have experienced it properly. My shortest high school relationship was one day ya'll. 

4. Be respectful toward yourself, your classmates, and the staff. 

My high school (Eleanor Roosevelt High School, bitches!) had two on-site police officers. (PG County - what, what?!?) I can't remember one of them, but the other was a guy named Officer Buerger.  I was a complete douche to this guy. He was a douche back, but still, I initiated it most of the time. I'd fuck up, he'd drag me to the office, I'd bash him the entire way. It was horrible, and I'd apologize to him if I saw him now. I also remember talking back to a couple of teachers - only when I became a teacher myself did I realize how difficult it truly is! Respecting myself basically means that I would make decisions I want to make, and not because of what everyone else was doing. I was so a 'follower' in high school. 

5. Enjoy every minute. 

Because you will definitely do bigger and better things afterwards, but it won't be high school. It won't be hallway conversations, pep rally's, or skipping school without even walking in to the building. It won't be two hour relationships, or bathroom breakdowns, or eating everything on the dollar menu with your friends. There'll be very few times afterwards where you will get away with over dramatizing a situation, but we all know the drama is the best part. Those are the memories you remember. :)

I'm feeling nostalgic. I'm going to browse my yearbook. 

Abusive Salons & Other Rantings

So, I've been gone for a while. The two people who may have noticed I was gone - sorry I disappeared on ya'll like that! Things were just crazy at the homesnizzle. There was the end of Ramadan, which seriously seemed to drag out for some reason, and then there was Eid, which is always super fun. We didn't do much this year - I had the fam over to my place for the day and it was filled with eating and sleeping. Much like any other day actually... I did get to see my twin nieces and my handsome little nephew though!

Anyways, enough of that mess and on to the collection of hot mess in my head... You know how I know that I'm a girl? Once every month, I can stuff my face with a couple double cheeseburgers, some chicken nuggets, a handful of fries, and still regret not buying the pancakes and hash browns.

Of course, I'll bitch and moan about eating all of that for a couple of weeks, but then it'll be that time again and all will be well in my world.

So I went to the salon today... And every time I go, I cry just a little. My hair guy has no reserves for yelling at me. "You call that hair? That's a poodle! Go to the vet!" I get no sympathy when I wince at the threading of my eyebrows. Instead I get a, "this is why your ass should come on time and not two weeks later bitch, so stop crying" stare, complemented with the "hm-hmm" sound effect. It's all very traumatizing. I can't blame them though. I don't get my eyebrows threaded every three to four weeks as recommended, so they grow out and hurt more. Ironically, I don't go when I should because I try to put off the pain as long as I could. And I'm brown - brown people can't afford to put off threading. No. Matter. What.

What else has been going on in my world? Nothing humorous or share-worthy actually. Yesterday I watched the entire first season of Big Bang Theory in almost one sitting. Almost, only because I had to get out of bed to find food. I also did some shopping in the mornin'. Shopping alone is the most therapeutic thing in the world. I usually hate being out alone. I don't dine alone. I don't go to the movies alone. It just seems sad and I feel like everyone is staring at me going, "look at that lonely girl!" I blame my own insecurities but let's not dwell on that... So there I was shopping alone and I realized it's much more pleasant than shopping with Zak or my girlfriends. There's no constant looking over the shoulder from Zak with his 'are you done yet' look, there's no embarrassing looks from my friends when I have a conversation with myself on whether or not I actually need a new wallet. (I bought three yesterday! Wallets are amazeballs!) It was great!

I really think that I'm losing memory power you guys. I watched a movie two days back and today, I couldn't remember what the movie was about worth my life. Granted the movie sucked anyway and that it wasn't in English, STILL! I should  have been able to recall what I saw. Other than ONE of the characters, I couldn't RECALL anything. This led to a convo between Zak and I where he tells me that I really have a horrible memory sometimes - and this isn't just concerning movies. This almost bought on a spell of tears, but he then reassured me that when I completely forget who I am, he'll stick around and remind me. 

On the subject of health issues, I have the worst aunt in the world. You know how people have a headache, and then Google 'headache' and somehow start believing they have brain tumors or those little insects that lodge themselves in your brain and make your body attack, well, your body - yeah, my aunt is THAT GOOGLE. She came to visit me last week, and I mentioned that (on and off) for the past year or so, I sometimes feel like I can't take a deep breath. I can breathe, but then when I try to take a deep breath, my lungs are left feeling unsatisfied, like a woman with a not-so-well endowed man. It's terrible. And it makes me think that I have lung cancer, and by morning, I've willed all my stuff away because I'm sure that I only have months, if not days, to live. So Zak, being the doll he is, stays up wiping away my snotty tears and reassuring me that it's probably just a panic attack bought on by my own thoughts, or at worse, a symptom of acid re-flux. 

What does my aunt say? "Well, your hearts probably just skipping a beat. You come from a family with heart conditions, your ticker is bound to be broken."

Really people, I almost had to call the ambulance then and there. But this was from the woman who sat me down, when I was like 10 and her daughters were 8 and 6, and asked us to give her huge hugs goodbye because she was going in to labor and there's always a chance she wouldn't come back. I mean, who does that? "Well mommy's going to bring you back a baby brother or sister. Or, daddy might bring them home alone because mommy might die!"

I'm tired. And now I can't shake the feeling that there's something terribly wrong with my lungs. I'm going to distract myself with a little Sheldon Cooper.

If you're a Belieber, don't click this.

I hate Justin Bieber. I was never a "belieber" and I've wanted to punch him in the face from the moment I knew he existed.

That being said, I've been known to hum to the impressive lyrics of "Baby". (The previous sentence is a lie - none of his lyrics are impressive.) I also have "As Long As You Love Me" on the iPod. I know, I'm a disgrace to my kind - I'm sorry! Those are the only two songs of his I know. Really. I promise. Zak also makes me put lots of old school hip hop and rock on there because he thinks I'm "belittling the iPod", so that kind of makes up for it.

So I've come to to the conclusion that I hate Justin Bieber, but not because of his music. Since I actually liked the two songs of his that I have heard, I couldn't understand my hate for him. Have I become one of those people who follow the crowd? Do I hate him because almost everyone I know hates him? No! I am not a fucking follower! I refuse to follow the man! Or the media? My peers? I don't know, whatever the fuck fits.

And then I realized that I hated him as a person. And I was stunned. There's not a lot of people I hate... It's such a strong word and no one really gets put into that category easily. But I hated Justin Bieber, the man-boy, and here is why.

Justin once made a statement that Anne Frank would have been a "belieber". If that doesn't make you want to shoot him in his fun parts, I don't know what will. Really, Justin? She was a Jew during Hitler's reign! The girl had to wear a star at all times... that itself would have taken up most of her time. Coordinating outfits with a big ass yellow star isn't as easy it seems douche bag. She couldn't visit stores or restaurants, she couldn't stay out past a certain time, AND SHE HAD TO GO IN TO HIDING BECAUSE OF HER RELIGION! She was beautiful, smart, confident, talented, and brave, but she sure as hell wasn't a Belieber.

I also hate him because of his sense of style. Though there are millions of us who dislike "the Biebs", there are also a bunch of raging children who idolize him. So his celebrity status means that there are a lot of people trying to be like him. Have you seen what the fuck this dude wears? He has these pants in a ridiculous amount of different colors and prints that are so hideous, words wouldn't do them justice...

  

 
Stop trying to gouge your eyes out. Just scroll down and the burning sensation will pass in three to ten days.

And one of the other main reasons I could think of for hating Justin, is that he pissed in a mop bucket at a restaurant. That was a story that if heard, I would usually place as media exaggeration. I know that the paparazzi aren't always nice and that they're always trying to bring a playa down. I watch TMZ.  But then I actually DID WATCH TMZ, and there was the Biebs with his ass hat friends, pissing in a mop bucket. What human ever, no matter how drunk and/or high you are, pisses in a mop bucket of an establishment? Isn't there a commandment or something? "Thou shall not drain thy snake in items used for sanitary maintenance."

And then he had the nerve to fuck around with Bill Clinton. Nobody messes with Bill. I'm not in, nor have I ever been, in law enforcement of any sort, but I would jump in front of a bullet for Bill. It's Slick Willie, y'all; he was former Prez of the free nation and he is awesome. He plays the saxophone, he smokes weed, he likes blow jobs - who doesn't like a guy like that?

If I had a daughter, I would ban her from his music for that last act alone. Not really, I don't believe in banning people anything. But I would frown really, really hard.

And now, some Justin Bieber related memes and funnies for your amusement.

   

Dubai: Less Desert, More Damnnnnnnn

Zak and I decided to be unique and get married on February 29th, so last year, we had an official wedding anniversary. We decided to go on a well deserved vacation to Dubai... have any of ya'll ever been? It is beautiful, with just the right mixture of culture and modernism. I'm all for deserts and camels, but home girl needs a Burger King too.

Us, in our over-sized abaya
and long white thing.

Dubai was much different than any other Middle Eastern country I've been to (Qatar & Bahrain). It was so... westernized. In Qatar, there were many foreign tourists and expatriates there, myself included, but everywhere you went, you were always reminded that you were in the Middle East. Women in abayas, men in those long white outfits I don't know the name of. Hold on, let me find a picture...

They have all of that in Dubai as well, but they also have clubs, women wearing shorts, and did I mention Burger King?

Any whoooo, I'm going to share my Dubai experience with all of ya'll, cuz I love ya'll, and plus I've been looking for a way to share some of my photography on the blog.

Dubai is home to the tallest building in the world, the Burj Khalifa. It's filled with offices, apartments, etc. Everyone was super excited to see this, but for some reason, I didn't care that much. It's a tall ass building, and yes it took a lot of architectural vavoom to get it up there, which I respect, but still it's not much. Actually, I remember reading somewhere that there are plans to create a building larger than the Burj Khalifa. I'm not a major the-icebergs-are-fucking-melting-global-warming person or anything, but I do feel that trying to construct the tallest building is just some sort of pissing contest in a huge scale and involving millions of dollars.

For a place that was mostly sand a couple of years back, they have an amazing skyline constructed in such a short period of time. Only the Burj Khalifa sticks out like a sore thumb... OK, fine, I'll get over it!

And here are some more pictures of the Dubai skyline.

Are we in New York or Dubai?

Dubai has the most amazing shopping malls. I grew up in the DMV area, and we had some pretty decent shopping malls there... Columbia, Townson, Arundel Mills... all perfectly good malls... now combine all of these in to one, and then multiply that by ten. That's the type of malls you find in Dubai. Zak and I went prepared anyway; we knew that we'd be shopping our asses off and gave ourselves a decent budget. But I was seriously taken aback at the sheer size of the malls. We went to around five or six malls, and not once did we walk through a mall in its entirety. One of the malls has A TAXI SERVICE INSIDE THE MALL. Nuff said... they have these mini golf cart type vehicles that take you to the store you want! It took me 8 hours to get through one wing of a four wing mall... are you finally getting how big these mother fuckers are?

We spent a lot of time shopping, but we also did a lot of touristy things, one of them being an annual fair, Global Village. This a huge expanse of desert that is converted into huge fair grounds for half the year... and is exactly what the title says it is, a global village. Each and every single country you could possibly think of is split into separate sections, and each section includes food, clothes, products, and entertainment that particular country is known for. It's amazeballs - I loved it. On the other side are a bunch of rides and roller coasters. I could have stayed there forever.

   

The pictures above were taken in "Morocco". The photo on the left is a of a collection of antique coins, and the picture on the right is of a bunch of different lamps that were for sale.

Below is a picture I took of the grounds from atop the Ferris Wheel. In the center-bottom of the photograph, you can see Zak standing there and holding my bags. He's such a wuss, I tell you. I had to go on all of the rides with our mutual bestie. Zak doesn't even like bumper cars, and he married a woman who one day WILL bungee jump. Sigh.

That's me in the middle, straight geekin, with the bestie on my left. Poor guy, had to deal with me dragging him on all of these random rides.

And since it was our anniversary, we planned a special dinner on the Dhow Cruise, which is an awfully fun ride that shows a great view of Dubai. Deciding we were going to be super romantic and Titanicky (I make up words, if you haven't noticed by now), we went and sat at the table placed on the bow of the boat. I'm fairly certain that 'bow' is the right term for that little 'v' section at the front of a boat. BIG MISTAKE. The wind and the night chill combined to kick us both in the ass, and we spent a lot of the night shivering - having tons of fun, but still shivering.

It's us! Being cold but super cute. And fat - thank the food lords that both of us have lost weight.

And one of the best things we did on our ten day holiday was go visit the middle of the desert. It's great! You drift through sand dunes and take the chance of flipping the fuck over. Such a thrill. There's belly dancers, henna, and camels! All of the photos below are from the day in the desert

This is what we got to the middle of the desert in. Well not that particular SUV. I'm in the SUV I'm taking the picture from. The other people from our tour group were in the SUV above. I make sense in my head... most of the time.

Belly Dancer!

Zak, sandboarding.

Me, on a camel,
with another girl
from the tour bus.

Another camel picture. I have a hundred now.

  

More Belly Dancer pictures. You know she's not wearing
any underwear with an outfit as scandalous as that.

So there was this awesome man who had a stall there with a bunch of different colored sands and different-sized metal straws. And he would create beautiful bottled sand art - as featured in the picture at the very top of the post. Zak and I got one done with our names on one side and our anniversary date on the other. I still have it on my bookshelf. Its booooootiful.

This picture is of Zak and I with our "Zak & Naz" bottled sand art. Spiffy, right? 
Also, Zak looks super high in this picture.

This is of "the Sandman." He made like 50 of these personalized bottles of
sand art in two hours. I'd end up crying, probably having stabbed myself with
a metal straw, and with colored sand in all sorts of unholy places.

There was a woman who did Henna art. She did that in less than a minute. No lie. I can't even draw a stick figure in less than a minute. And it wasn't that annoying henna that sticks around for like a month and fades from black to dark brown, then more of a poop brown, and then a baby diarrhea color, and finally a piss yellow. Black henna, three days max, went from black henna to no henna - just how I like it.

And there was lots of food and sheesha - two of my most favorite things ever.

And breathtaking sunsets that made you forget all of your worries.

So that was my 2012 Dubai Wedding Anniversary trip in a nutshell, and a great excuse to share some of the photographs taken by yours truly. We went again in February of this year but that was mostly for business. Don't worry your pretty little head though; I managed to sneak in a bunch of shopping under the guise of meetings. I was meeting with clothes, and meeting with shoes - the most important kind of meetings there are. Anyone else travel anywhere fun? Put links in the comment section! I'd love to read about your travels!

My Blog Has Comments?

I woke up this morning and did a happy dance. In the five hours I had slept, my blog had 3 comments and over thirty new page views. This, for me, is super exciting. This is no pants, eat Doritos, and watch-an-entire-season-of-Dexter-in-one-sitting exciting. Can you tell how excited I am?

I started this blog in 2010, did a couple of random sucktackular posts, and then just forgot it. At that time my mother was sick and I was constantly travelling between Sri Lanka and Baltimore. I didn't have time to sleep, let alone write a blog. Then a couple of months ago I came across this pin with a list of books to read for the summer and found Jenny Lawson's book "Let's Pretend This Never Happened", and blog, www.thebloggess.com.

I loved her book. Scarily, I identified with her childhood. No, my father was not a taxidermist, and no, I didn't have a sister to share the trauma memories with, yet I felt like she and I would have been BFF's. So I proceeded to stalk her: followed her blog, followed her on Twitter, followed her on Pinterest. Total stalkerness, to the point she may have considered putting out a restraining order. I kid, I kid, I make joke with you!

And when I started following her, I also began finding other AMAZING blogs, and now I live in a continuous state of blogging.

Anyways, this is just to say thanks, so thanks everyone! You guys are amazeballs and I love all two of you.

That's right, bitches. Be jealous.

Mommy wow! I'm a "big girl" now.

My family is so weird.

I know that all of you think that your family is weird and embarrassing, but mines takes the cake. Really. While showering, I thought of over a dozen embarrassing (now hilarious) stories, that might also be the reason I need therapy. Check it out.

"Big Girl"
In most cultures, a girl "becomes" a woman when she begins menstruating. Usually, there's a 'talk' and an embarrassing trip to the store, and bham, it's all done. It's never bought up again, unless to reiterate a point during the 'sex talk'. I never got a talk about menstruation or sex, because it is assumed that as a brown girl, I will remain celibate till marriage, and by that point I would "pick up on these things from movies". In our culture, it's an entirely different game.

Let's summarize: you get your period. Your mother screams and cries from joy? shock? happiness? (I really have no clue.) They shove you in to your room for SEVEN days, in which no males other than immediate family can see you. They then make you drink all sorts of randomness to make you stronger? healthier? more fertile? (Again, I have no clue.) And then, THEY THROW A PARTY. A party in which they tell all of your family and friends that you are now a "big girl". If you're brown, and you haven't heard the phrase "big girl" in regard to your menstrual cycle, I envy you. 

Imagine having to explain the reason for this sudden party to the cute sons of your parent's friends.
Me: "Uh, yeah, it's my half-birthday." 
Cute Guy: "It's November and your birthday's in two months. That doesn't make sense."
Me: "Oh look, cake!" *Runs away!*

This entire episode is bad enough, but mine's was worse. I was always an over-achiever in this department.

My "big girl" moment happened to fall during an important project in middle school. You know, middle school, that time where life is hard enough as it is, and being a "chubby" brown girl doesn't let you fit in AT ALL. My parents, being brown, and wanting me to get all A's so I can be a 'doctor' (scoff, they must be proud huh), said that they would go and drop off my project for me. In hindsight, I should have SEEN it coming. My mother couldn't be prouder that I was a "big girl" as if I'd actually done something. So when they went to go drop it off, a friend of mine happened to see my mom and asked her where I was, and my mother thought it would be appropriate to respond:

"Oh, she's a big girl now! She got her period, and she's at home because she can't see boys, but we're having a party to celebrate this Saturday. You should come!"

This moment, right there ladies and gentleman, was the death of my already dying popularity. How many of you can pinpoint that moment in your life? I'm special, I tell you.

I, of course, denied the entire thing. But it was never the same after that...

"Apple Pie"
A conversation I overheard between my mom and an aunt. 

Aunt: Shahnaz got an iPad right? How is it?
Mom: Oh, it's great. I play Bingo on it all the time. 
Aunt: Where'd she get it?
Mom: The Apple Pie store.
Aunt: I should stop by there tomorrow and get one. 

"Waterrrrrr"
My mother called me up once, laughing so hard that she could barely breathe. I was at work and had to leave my cubicle because her laughter could be heard two cubicles over. Yes, our office is super quiet, but my mother was also very loud. 

Me: Mom, are you ok?
Mom: *Gasp. Laugh. Gasp some more. Laugh louder.* 
Me: Mom, I'm at work. What's up?
Mom: *Still laughing.* I'll have to call you back once I catch my breath.
Me: You're ok right?
Mom: Yeah! We're fine. *Laugh. Laugh. Laugh. Click.*

My mother called me again half an hour later to relay what was so funny. My parents, at one point, lived in the heart of Baltimore City. They had a studio apartment over a shop on Saratoga St. which they loved. Many evenings you could find my mother hanging over the window, waiting for my father to come home from work. They were a cute couple.

That particular day, my father parked his car, looked up at my mother and said, "Throw down some water." My dad's friends with the shop owner below and usually spends some time having a chat before he comes up. So my mother replied, "Why do you want water? Chuck* has bottles in the shop."

With a confused look on his face, my father said, "No, throw down some water!" Shrugging, my mother threw down a water bottle and almost knocked my dad out cold. Seemingly frustrated, "What are you doing?", he yells, "Throw down water!!!!!" 

At this point my mother is confused and irritated and yells out "I don't know what you want. Go away." and proceeds to close the window. Now, completely red and irritated himself, my father starts beating the parking meter and yelling,"Water! Water! Water!" 

She still couldn't stop laughing as she said, "Turns out he wanted quarters!"