Flying Cockroaches... I shit you not.

Today, while attempting to make dinner for the family, I screamed in horror thrice. Thrice, I tell you. Once, because of a cockroach, the second time because of a gecko, and the third because of a frog. I might as well live in the fucking zoo people. These might not seem like reasons to scream, but let me explain.

Cockroaches in Sri Lanka aren't like the ones back home, small and annoying. These are terror-inflicting, HUGE, cockroaches that fly! They fly people - let's all take a moment to let that sink in. Here I was carrying my dinner goodies, and BHAM, flying cockroach right in front of me. I would have dropped everything and ran for life, but Zak would have killed me if I made him go out to buy eggs again. So I ran, with everything intact, and hid behind a wall while my YOUNGER sister-in-law, Zara, got rid of the evil monster with a broom. Poor child probably wonders what her brother sees in me...

My cockroach killer, 

and sister from another mister, Zara. 

Now confident that the cockroach is gone, I open the kitchen door, and SPLAT, a gecko that was probably on the door just fell smack down near my feet. Who would not yell?!? At this point, I'm thinking fuck it, let's order pizza. But Zak had really wanted club sandwiches and I feel that as his wife, the least I could do is make the dude a sandwich, since my cleaning and cooking skills are nonexistent. Again, let's move on...

So there I am frying my bacon when Zara comes into the kitchen and is all, "don't freak out, but there is a frog behind the sink." And of course, as soon as I heard her telling me not to freak out, I back away from the kitchen, matchbox in hand, just ready to burn the mother fucker down and blame Zak's need of a club sandwich. A frog the size of Texas is standing behind my sink, just staring me down.

"So, you're frying bacon? I like bacon. Ribbit bitch, ribbit." 

How the hell do you get rid of a frog? There I was waving my arms screaming "blusfbuighdfiugbkdfsjgbfuckyousidfugbkdsdsu" and dude wasn't even budging. I tried throwing things NEAR it, because though I didn't want it there, I didn't want it hurt either, but no such luck. Eventually, I went back to my stove and made the sandwiches while peering over my shoulder a billion times. He was still there half an hour later, his beady little eyes just watching my every move. 

This is why I don't cook. It's because our kitchen is a fucking zoo. 

On to another cockroach related story that occurred today. So my sister-in-laws and I were at tharawee prayers today; I can't explain what tharawee prayers are because I barely understand it myself, so Google people. Whilst praying, a person should be so concentrated on their prayer that they are not distracted by their surroundings. They shouldn't sing along in their heads to music videos playing on the TV in the other room, nor should they laugh uncontrollably at things they remembered which happened two days back at the grocery store. You get the point, don't get distracted, and don't let anything stop you from finishing. 

So there we were, right toward the end of the second rakhat when SMACK, I hear something land on the floor beside my sister-in-law, Shaba. I can tell there's something dark there but I can't be sure what it is since my eyes shouldn't wander. From the corner of my eye, I can see it crawling, and then I figure screw it - I need to know what that is. And as I take a sly peak, my eyes widen in horror and I'm immediately wondering whether God will forgive me if I skip out in the middle of prayer due to this. A cockroach, a FLYING cockroach, is three feet away from me and the only thing between me and the monster is my sister-in-law. I made a back up plan in my head - I love Shaba, but if the cockroach were to head toward me, I'd throw her at the cockroach so it would get distracted while I made a run for it. She'd understand, I think. 

And as soon as I said my salams, I was gone! I was behind the pillar, holding on to Zara as a shield/ sacrifice. Someone took care of it and prayers continued as normal, but for the rest of the night, I was  constantly on the look out. Stupid flying cockroach...

This, my friend, is a flying cockroach. It's about the size of your pinky finger. Would this not make you throw your loved ones as sacrifices while you made a run for it? Don't judge me.

Also, I stole that image off Google. No one reads my posts, but if this is your picture, I apologize and will take it down if you would like me to. 

Asshole. 

Note: I later realized that this post made Sri Lanka seem as if it was just brimming with cockroaches. This is actually not true. I see a cockroach once a month or so, and usually that's outside. So if you're planning on visiting Sri Lanka, don't let this post throw you off. One cockroach is so worth the billion other things this island offers.