Koi

Living through COVID-19

Late last year the world was taken over by the coronavirus. Having started in Wuhan, China, the virus quickly spread to every corner of the world. It is much more serious than the seasonal flu that many of us are used to, not to downplay how many people die from the seasonal flu every year. But to put it into perspective, the mortality rate for the flu is 0.1% while the mortality rate for the coronavirus is 1%. This means that for every one person who dies from the flu, ten people die from the coronavirus. The particular strain that's been affecting people has been named COVID-19. So far there have been cases in almost every country, with the US being affected the worse.

Statistics as of today, April 26th, 2020:

Global -
2,933,384 confirmed cases. 839,271 recovered. 203,612 deaths.

In the US -
959,000 confirmed cases. 108,000 recovered. 54,161 deaths. There are 17,766 confirmed cases in Maryland alone and 797 deaths.

Dad taking safety measures

Safety measures have been taken all over the world to slow down the spread of the virus so that our hospitals aren't overwhelmed and are able to treat everybody. For example, everyone in Sri Lanka is under a curfew. They're only allowed out during certain hours to stock up on groceries. While many people are working from home, many more have been completely let go from their jobs. It's no better here in the US. Dad and Zak have stopped working since March 15th. It's been over a month now. Ma Sha Allah, we are blessed to have a home that is paid off, can buy groceries (even though our credit card debt is piling), and can stay home and be safe during this crazy time. There are so many people who just can't afford to stay at home because they have rent/ mortgages and so many other other bills that have to be paid off.

Though we're feeling blessed for the time we had, resources are depleting and we have to think of what we're going to do next. It's a scary time for so many people and we're trying to handle it the best way we can.

On an emotional and mental level, I've been surprisingly okay so far. It started bringing me down a couple of days ago Tom is also visiting so it could just be him. I just feel so frustrated with the system. I'm frustrated with myself for not building much of a savings. I'm just so angry at the way things are playing out, but I'm also trying to just be thankful for all the things we do have because, at the moment, the good is still outweighing the bad.

On a much happier note, Ramadan started a few days ago. It's not the same since we're all at home and there are no tharaweeh prayers and such, but it's still nice to have the comforts of the blessed month upon us.

My back is healing up nicely. It's definitely not as quick as I thought it would be. I still have some very light discomforts but definitely ones I can live with and don't even notice most of the time. My hands are feeling much better too, though my right hand still doesn't feel 100% normal.

I was on such a kick to lose weight and get healthy and I've already forgotten how horrible I felt about my body failing me just a few months back. I'm disappointed in myself and I really am trying to get it together. It's so hard for me though. I really don't understands whether it's a mental connection I have with food or whether I'm just a fat ass.

That's all I have for a monthly update which is something I'm trying to do.

Herniated Disc and Spiraling Mental Health

Two months. That’s how long I’ve been incapacitated by this herniated disc and I just can’t believe that two months of my life has gone with me being bedridden and in hospitals for the most part. 

The sciatica became significantly worse within a week or so and led to drop foot, muscle weakness, and me basically turning into the Hunchback of Notre Dame with all my limping. I went from being perfectly normal one week to not being able to lift my toes or move my foot side to side. Little things like standing on my tiptoes were considered a success. I spent an entire day crying because I couldn’t put on my flip flops - I didn’t have enough control of my toes to scoot them in properly. 

Thank god for my primary care physician, Dr. Epstein, who immediately referred me to Dr. Dorai - the Chief of Neurosurgery! We weren’t keen on having surgery initially, but decided to go ahead because there were so many issues along the way. I ended up in the ER like five times - most of the time for pain, once for a horrible reaction to Tramadol, and once because I was sure I’d developed Cuada Equina which requires emergency surgery. After the doc finished up my surgery she told Zak that the herniated disc was a lot worse than the MRI showed and that thank God we did the surgery. No amount of physical therapy would have helped. 

Now three weeks post surgery, recovery is good. The drop foot was gone as soon as I got off the hospital bed. The pain lessened each day, as did the muscle weakness and cramping. I’m still not 100% but I am feeling almost 90% like myself. I can’t sit for long periods of time and I get tired fairly quickly, but other than that almost everything is back to normal. 

I think I was affected more by the mental symptoms of the herniated disc rather than the physical ones. It threw me into a spiral of depression and anxiety that, for a time, I thought I’d never get out of. I was sad and crying and couldn’t get out of bed. Zak, Phebe, and mostly Allah (swt) got me through it and I’m at a much better place now. 

I thank God everyday for my amazing husband who saw my mental health breaking down and stopped everything to spend time with me and keep me calm. This is us at the fish market in Washington DC on a day adventure to keep me distracted. Little would we know that we would have one of the most terrifying experiences of our lives in just a few hours. 

These past two months have changed me for the better. I’ve increased my salah and I remember my Maker more. My outlook on life has changed too. And because of that, I wouldn’t change a single thing I went through.

Alhamdulillah for all that I experienced because it brought me closer to Allah (swt). 

~

{Maktub - a concept which means that Allah (swt) has written our fate and that whatever we experience is because it is meant to be.}

Repeat

No matter how much time passes, I always find myself coming back to this blog and rereading old posts and drafts. (I have a billion unpublished drafts, fyi.) I think that I come back because it feels like a virtual home. lol. That sounds silly but it's a space where I can express myself freely with no judgement, and that's something in a day and age where you're criticized over everything.

Current life updates: All three of my girls, Sasiya, Zarah, and Shaba are now married and living their own lives in Sri Lanka. Sasi is even pregnant with her first baby girl and I am so excited to meet my new niece who is due in March. Zak and I have put the baby-making on hold after four failed IUIs and are just concentrating on being happy and enjoying life. We moved to the US on August 7th (2017) and are now renovating our Baltimore home to save up some money and buy another place. I'm still freelance writing/ editing while Zak's Greencard paperwork is being processed.

We're living in an orange world where that cheeto-dust covered baboon Donald Trump is president. If I go on a rant about all of his decisions that upset me, this blog would be endless.

At times, I miss Sri Lanka immensely. I wouldn't even mind the scorching heat I complain so much about while I'm there. That being said, I'm glad that we decided to move to the States for a while. It's been nice falling back into the old way of life. It is getting cold as a mutha over here, but I'm looking forward to playing in the snow and wearing tons of layers.

Other than that, all is pretty much the same in my world. Eat. Play. Sleep. Repeat.

#IStandWithAhmed

I haven't been posting a lot lately - one, my brain has become mush and this creative 'roadblock' is more like a caved in, well, cave.

And then #IStandWithAhmed happened and I found myself in my pajamas at two in the morning going on a Twitter rant. For those of you living under a rock, Ahmed WAS a 14 year old freshman at MacArthur high school in Irving, Texas. (The smart kid isn't going back there!)

Having just started school, he felt like a lanky brown kid who didn't know anyone.  So he did what he was known for in middle school - being a gadget guru - in an attempt to interact. Little did Ahmed know that within the day he would receive tweets from both, President Obama and Mark Zuckerberg. He would become a national icon. 

President Obama knows what's up...

Ahmed built a clock. I myself remember building similar shit in high school wood shop. Thank god mine wasn't as techy as his, because had I gotten arrested, as Ahmed did, for constructing a 'bomb', I never would have made it. But ten years down the line, social media and an increase in social responsibility, ensured that Ahmed received the justice he deserved. 

Imagine this, ya'll: a lanky brown kid in glasses wearing a NASA t-shirt walks into a classroom. He's holding a box... Oh fuck, it's a box with wires sticking out of it. What do you think it is? 

Look at the fucking confusion on his face...

I'm trying to stay away from the religion factor of this craziness, but for fact's sake, Ahmed is a Muslim whose parents came from Sudan. Quite honestly, I think the problem here was being brown - even it was a turban-wearing Sikh, or an overly tanned white kid with an inopportune name, it would have played out exactly the same.

The teachers at this bumfuck school did not see a clock - instead they saw a brown kid with a lot of wires, and assumed he made a bomb. The police were called and Ahmed was dragged to a juvenile detention center and questioned without any legal representation, a guardian, or a parent present or aware of the situation. I'm not delving into that, because that's just too much. 

After hours of ensuring therapy would be necessary in Ahmed's future, they let him go with a 'my bad'. And the icing on the cake, he was then suspended from school! 

What. The. Fuck. Y'all. 

I keep waiting for Ashton Kutcher to jump out a fucking van screaming "I punk'd all y'all!"

And just because I'm growing to hate CNN, here's some shade on their news coverage... "@POTUS invites a teen accused of making a bomb to the White House"... seriously, CNN?

AND to show that no matter what life throws, people can still choose to be positive, here's a couple of pics of Ahmed's father bringing out pizzas for the media on his front lawn.

Where the fuck has time gone?

I have fallen off the face of the planet for no particular reason. I've just been busy - a constant cycle of work, sleep, and Netflix. I need to add more activities in my life and stop being lazy, so here I am - back in the blogosphere and ready to share my crazy adventures.

Quick update on life: started working for a software solutions company last June as a copy writer. I'm now Assistant Manager of Marketing and I'm heading the Marketing Communications department. 

I just spent two and a half months in Jacksonville, Florida working from the company's corporate office. Absolutely loved it. Can't wait to go back.  

Still married to the most amazing man... Knock on wood. I've become a huge believer in 'evil eyes' when it's come to my marriage. 

I know I've become a butter ball. I am STILL keen on losing weight and generally being healthier. 

And I'm currently renovating my house... One small section at a time. 

Will be back with more of my adventures soooooooon! Au revoir!

Sacrifice

She's a mystery

Always surrounded but forever alone

Smiling through sadness

Laughing through pain

She numbs herself any way she knows how 

Though many may understand

No one knows

Everything is a blur to her

Constantly in motion

But never moving

Sacrifice is demanded

Change is accepted

Yet it's a constant learning of acceptance

She learns to love

Without being in it

Yellow Blackout

It always seemed impossible to me that a boy like you would ever love a girl like me. What could you possibly be attracted to? I was so proud to have you... But I was always scared that it was a dream and that I would wake up without you. So before you had a chance to realize that you've made a horrible mistake and leave me in an ocean of shame and loathing, I decided to leave you. Better to hurt than to get hurt right? And of course, like a magnet, I would always come back to you. But it was too late - my actions had altered the course of our lives forever. Is it my fault? No doubt. Do I regret my actions? With every breath. Am I to you what you are to me or has time and experience changed you? I imagine this life and I'm filled with hope. A positive blackout. 

"Shit that needs to happen this year, bitch!"

I used to make New Year's resolutions... they last all of the time it would take me to compile the list. After that I would forget about them and at the end of the year, I'd wonder how come I couldn't tick anything off my list. Last year, I saw screw it... instead I made a "Shit that needs to happen this year, bitch" list. I only had two things I wanted to accomplish for the year: have a child (or be preggers), and to have a renovated kitchen. Neither of these things were accomplished; and though I have another 30 or so hours before the New Year's, chances are either of these happening are nil.

Here goes 2014's "Shit that needs to happen this year, bitch!" list:

1. Have a kid,or at least be pregnant by next New Year's Eve.
I can't put any reasoning behind this psychotic need to be a parent, no matter the cost. I can't guarantee my future, but no matter what I will be doing, I know that I want a child in my life. I can't imagine anything else being as fulfilling as being a mom. Some people think that this urge has overcome me because of the loss of my own mother this year, and maybe it did make me reanalyze the no-kid angle I've been on for years. Maybe I'm just getting old and I feel my biological clock ticking at 26. Maybe I'm envious of all of my friends, peers, who have children and seem so fulfilled. Maybe I'm unhappy and think that a child will brighten my life. I don't know what the reasons are... they could a little bit of anything. Nonetheless, this will be on top of my list once more.

2. Make this house into my home.
My mother bought all this furniture way back when I moved into this house; thank God that she did, otherwise I probably wouldn't have any furniture to this day. I have never been bothered in decorating/ interior designing; all I need is a microwave and a tv and the house is perfect. Lately my outlook has been changing and  every once in a while I walk through my house and I absolutely hate it; it's a few cardboard boxes away from looking like I just moved in. So, making this house my home, is another thing that needs to happen. This includes my kitchen/ balcony/ bathroom renovations which I've been planning to a detail (thanks to Pinterest) for years now.

3. Have a better relationship with my father.
My mother's biggest fear was that my father and I would drift apart after she passed away. In a way, I feel that if she hadn't had that conversation with me that we just might have. I have an amazing father; but our relationship becomes so strained when we're actually in the vicinity of each other. We're just so much better oceans apart... this year, I will try to mend that. I will make more of an attempt to become closer to my father.

4. Accept my lifestyle.
I spend the better part of a month taking sleeping pills to sleep early, so that I can wake up early and have a fresh start to my day, which will thereby make me a better, more alert person, and in the long run have me accomplishing more. This year, fuck it... I wake up early and feel absolutely awful the rest of the day. I don't get in to work mode and I end up spending the watching entire seasons of The Vampire Diaries. Each person is different, and I AM NOT that person who has it together, that goes jogging at 5 am, and is in their work flow outfits by 7 all put together in high heels and immaculate make-up. I am the girl that sleeps in till 11, spends the day in her pajamas in front of her laptop working her ass off. I'm also the girls who spontaneously puts off all of her tasks because she needs a damn break, but will suddenly pull out her laptop at 3 am because she feels like working. I'm just going to accept who I am and stop trying to be like all these corporate bitches on TV.

5. Work on my book.
Freelance writing is so hectic... you get the worst schedules, the most impossible deadlines, and even more impossible clients. I've been working on a book for the past three years... I've got bits and pieces, but nothing properly put together. This year, no matter my work schedule, I need to dedicate time to my book. So it never gets published, maybe Zak will be the only person to ever read it (even that's doubtful), but still I will finish it at one point. This year, I will work on it more.

6. Increase my knowledge of Islam.
I've been trying to learn but I've barely scratched the surface. I'm going to include expanding my knowledge in this subject as shit that needs to get done in 2014.

That's it, people. Fuck resolutions... let's get shit done.

Happy Things

So I was reading through a bunch of posts from other amazing bloggers and I came across Allie's post of things that make her happy... and it made me so happy that I wanted to blog my own list as well! Also, if you don't already visit Allie's blog, Tales of a Twenty Something, you so should. It's amazeballs.

So I started thinking about things that made me happy, and I was appalled at the lack of things that made me truly happy. For someone who gets amused at the smallest of things, not a lot makes me feel really happy, but here are the things that do:

Car Rides

I love car rides in any weather, rain or shine. They instantly make me happier. Let's clarify that I don't like to be the one driving. I also don't like a lot of talking during the rides. lol. So the driver either has to be quiet or sing along with the loud music with me. Open roads, good music, and not a destination in mind: perfection.

Mail

With emails, texts, and Facebook, sending and receiving letters is at an all time low. I don't have the time to send letters as much as I would like to, but my friends and I used to write letters to each other all the time, and receiving a letter always put a huge smile on my face. 

Music

"Cuz a real man, knows a real woman, when he seeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees herrrr..."

Alicia Keys' A Woman's Worth is my favorite sing-along song ever. Windows down, hair blowing in the wind, me singing along at the top of my fuckin lungs = good times. Music in general makes me very happy and a good sing-a-long really does lift my spirits.

Prayer

There was never really a lot of prayer in my household growing up and I embraced my religion pretty recently in all honestly. Prayer in Islam is an emotional connection with God and the entire process is very calming and peaceful. Whenever I'm really down, prayer makes me re-look at my situation and makes me feel happier.

Family Dinners

Yeah, that's the Sopranos... but seriously, family dinners make me happy. Surrounded by best friends and family, the room filled with lively conversation... We were never really big on family dinners growing up, but it's something I've always loved. I plan to make it a thing when we have kids. No matter how old, or how busy, the family gets together for dinner - and once the kids move out, family dinners once a week!

10 e-cards made with me in mind...

These are not in any particular order, but they describe me to a tee. Enjoy!

1

I really do. I also believe that silently muttering this a billion times keeps me sane and stops me from killing people. The phrase is so versatile that it can be used in a myriad of situations:

Eating something tasty: WTF is in this?! It's so good!

Eating something not so tasty: WTF is in this?! Bleugh!

Getting shocked: WTF just happened???

While exercising: WTF am I going to eat for dinner?

You get my point...

2

I get ghetto-fabulous when I get angry. I always have and I probably always will. The finger wagging, the head swagger, the uncontrollable use of the phrase "oh no you di'int!" - it's all there.

3

 

This e-card has a supporting picture that makes me laugh till I cry. I have a Harry Potter marathon once every six months (books and movies, both). I know almost all of the lines and I get super-excited be people who love Harry Potter as much as I do.

"Five points to Gryffindor!"

*If you can't read that second image, CLICK HERE, or the picture itself. So worth it.

4

This couldn't be more true. I've had a number of distraught girlfriends cry out on how bad things always happen to them and how sure they were that the drug addict who's never worked anywhere without needing to use the phrase "Would you like fries with that?" would have made a fabulous father/ husband.

I'm all for fate and karma and a higher power, but seriously, your relationship probably failed because he was a useless jerk-off and you made the decisions to move him in to your house and have him depend on you financially as well as emotionally.

5

If I held a family reunion, it would most like be me, my husband, and lots of food. My family sucks, both on my father's side as well as my mothers. I don't even like most of them and I can't be bothered to fake affection and freeze a smile on my face while hanging out with them. In my 26 years of life, it was only last May while my mother was toward the end of her terminal illness that her and her siblings all got along at once. Otherwise one brother won't be speaking, or an aunt will be angry. Useless, I tell you...

6

Sometimes Zak asks me things and when I respond he'll smile because I'd be completely off the mark. In my head, I would replay it scene by scene and swear that I was right. Then, to prove my infinite wrongness, he'll ask me what I ate for lunch that day and I wouldn't be able to tell him, even though my sanity depended on it. I can't tell it it's getting worse with age... but I figure if it's this bad at 26, I won't remember shit at 50. 

Blog? What's a blog?

7

A couple years ago my Friday nights were filled with crazed, blurred memories and all-night dancing. After a while my crazy Friday nights turned to dinners with friends and good conversation. Now, all I really want is to sit in front of the television and watch entire seasons of Lost and Big Bang Theory in one sitting.

8

I think that jealousy is just built into people. The range of jealousy differs in each person, but everyone's got a little something that makes them jealous. Most of Zak's female friends I'm completely ok with. I know I have my shit together and that my man is coming back home, but there are some women who I know are just up to no good, home-wrecking whores. Every single time I've highlighted someone to having not-so-good intentions, they really didn't, so now Zak just listens to me...

9

It's the little things that matter. Sometimes a bra/panty set that matches my outfit makes me feel like superwoman. Granny panties don't get shit done, but matching sexy sets rest the world on my palm. 

10

That's for damn sure. Life has thrown many curves my way, and I've made some not so great decisions, but in the end, they weren't that bad after all.

Check out these and other great e-cards on my Pinterest board, E-cards, Meme's, & other Words!

Santa got me Danielle Steele?

Alright, so I looked through my past few posts, and good lord, have I been depressing or what people? Let's change it up and go with something fun for a frickin change.

The holidays are coming up, and against all statistics, that's the happiest time of year for me. Religiously, I don't celebrate Christmas, but who-the-hell-cares-ly, I frickin love Christmas. Everything's brighter with the sparkle of lights, and people are so cheerful, it's contagious. Maybe companies are lacing candy canes with Xstacy, or maybe it's the ridiculous carols you hear everywhere, but there's something about Christmas that makes even the most angry people just lighten the fuck up.

I remember my best Christmas ever. I was ten and I was angry that all the other kids had stupid Rudolph sweaters on their bodies and Christmas trees in their living rooms. I went to sleep crying my little heart out. At three in the morning, my parents woke me up to the most beautiful Christmas tree decked out in lights and ornaments with the most amazing gift under the tree: books. Yes, I was the dorky kid who went bat shit crazy at the hundreds of books that were under this three foot tree. (The only reason the books were "under" the tree was because they placed the tree on the coffee table. Otherwise I wouldn't have been able to see the tree at all.) My superhero of a father had gone out in the middle of the night and gotten the tree and bought BOXES of books from some second hand book shop. It was a dream come true for me. Granted many of them were way past my suggested reading list, I was pretty mature for my age and read through every single book in a month or so. Now that I think about it, getting Dannielle Steele books for your ten year old daughter is probably a no no, but knowing my father I'm guessing he just pointed and paid. He always treated me like an old soul anyway.

What's your favorite Christmas memory?

Everyone gets the blues, but I have the blahs...

I'm stuck in this rut. Neither here nor there, I feel like my life has paused. Nothing changes, nothing happens... I'm not moving toward anything. 

More than anything, I'm sad. I don't know what's making me sad. I don't know how to not feel sad anymore. 

I want change, yet I don't know what needs to be changed. At least if I knew the cause of these feelings, I could do something about changing them. But nothing has happened. Everything is the same as it always has been. Maybe that's the problem. I'm sad because nothing in my life is changing? But my life isn't so bad that it needs change. Grrr, I can't even express my feelings properly. How can I write when I don't know what I'm writing about? How do you write about emptiness? 

I feel sad, empty, unsatisfied, bored, angry, scared, insatiable, incomplete... 

I want to change my life. I want to be one of those people who gets up early, who gets in more exercise, who's accomplishing something in their career, who has a home and not a house, who can sleep throughout the night. 

Last January, I made two predictions of things I wanted to accomplish this year. Neither of them have come true. As the year ends, it's back to the drawing board...  

Bangladesh!

Hey everyone! I don't know how I stayed away for so long. Posting 'tomorrow' became next week, and a week somehow turned into months, but I'm back now! Not a lot has been going on in my life; Zak and I spent three weeks in Bangladesh, and it was amazing!

I've visited many South Asian countries and have found that each of them offer something beautiful and unique. We didn't get to explore as much as we would have liked; since I hadn't been there in over six years and Zak had never visited my dad's side of the family, everyone was keen on inviting us over for lunch or dinner. We had lunch/ dinner at someone's house every single day of our vacation. Honestly at one point, our schedules got so hectic that we had breakfast at my uncle's place, lunch at my aunt's house, and dinner at my dad's friends place in one day.Thank God the food was so yummy that we didn't really have any complaints against all that eating. :)

Here are a couple of pictures from our trip!